Archive for January, 2010

BITCH SLAP = TITS, GUNS, BLOOD AND FUN!

January 12, 2010

I attended a screening of the new titsploitation epic, BITCH SLAP at the Nuart theatre in Santa Monica this last Saturday evening and the event was almost as huge as the racks on the three buxom young starlets that are featured in the film! If you don’t know what BITCH SLAP is yet, check out this trailer…

BITCH SLAP is a crazy patchwork of exploitation films from the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, with an emphasis on “girls behaving badly” movies like FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL KILL and CAGED HEAT. The majority of the film was shot in front of a green screen and that gives it a nice cartoonish look throughout.

The story involves three hot babes named Camero (AMERICA OLIVO), Hel (ERIN CUMMINGS) and Trixie (JULIA VOTH), who are trying to stay alive after robbing a ruthless gangster named Pinky. To be honest, the plot in this thing doesn’t even matter, because this movie is all about big boobs, big explosions, hot lesbo action, water fights, massive gore and cool cars. There is an amazing chick fight that goes on forever and it was choreographed by KILL BILL’S own ZOE BELL, who also has a cameo in the movie as a streetfighter named Rawhide.

There are a lot of really colorful characters that populate the BITCH SLAP world, like the weird assassin duo of Hot Wire (a crazed meth head punk) and Kinki (a hot Japanese school girl with a razor yo-yo).

There are also a lot of great cameos in BITCH SLAP, that include KEVIN SORBO as Mr. Phoenix, LUCY LAWLESS and RENEE O’CONNOR as the lesbian nun team of Mother Superior and Sister Batrill, and DEBBIE LEE CARRINGTON (the midget prostitute from TOTAL RECALL) shows up abruptly as a machine gun toting killer named Hot Pocket (OH!).

BITCH SLAP will not win an Oscar or a Pulitzer. It is however, a very fun time and is as visceral and crazy as the title would suggest. The movie never takes itself seriously at all and director RICK JACOBSON is clearly having a blast throwing every exploitation cliche he can think of at you. It is a B-movie that knows it’s a B-movie and wants to be the biggest, loudest and sexiest one around.

Check it out if you’re fortunate enough to be in one of the cities that’s playing it in limited release. It’s also available On Demand, so if you’re in the mood for hot girls with huge boobs firing big guns and kicking ass, this one’s for you. Nerd out!

The luscious AMERICA OLIVO (Camero) poses for a photo with your favorite nerd.

Planet of the Nerds’ Best Movies of 2009 List!

January 7, 2010

Wow, what a year! I saw a lot of movies over the course of 2009 and I had a really hard time figuring out which ones I loved the most. Here’s a list of all my favorites, so enjoy!

THE BEST:

1. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

This is QUENTIN TARANTINO’S Mona Lisa! I instantly fell in love with this movie the first time I saw it and have seen it more than any other film this year. I love the way it takes its time in unveiling the plot scene by scene, leading up to the explosive climax, which was one of the most satisfying experiences I’ve had in quite some time. Those that were expecting a standard “men on a mission movie” felt disappointed, but this is one of the most original war movies ever made and QT’S best film to date!

2. WATCHMEN

I’m a HUGE fan of ALAN MOORE’S seminal graphic novel, which brought a post modern spin on the superhero story and changed the look and feel of comics forever. I thought ZACK SNYDER’S film nailed the art and tone of the book perfectly and I actually thought the changes he made in the ending were an improvement on the story. The Squid was great in the comic, but I totally understand and support the narrative reasoning for the change. This was one of the most visually beautiful films of the year and one of the most politically subversive comic book movies ever made. It was made for adults by adults and like BLADE RUNNER, I believe it will one day get the praise and recognition it deserves.

3. THE ROAD

The bleakest and most realistic film ever made about the post-apocalypse. Based on a Pulitzer Prize winning novel by CORMAC McCARTHY, this faithful adaptation was one of the most moving films I’ve seen this year and its effect stayed with me for a long while after seeing it. The message it conveys about the human spirit is simple and powerful. A great movie that was dumped in theaters at Thanksgiving and almost completely overlooked. VIGGO MORTENSEN’S performance was one of the best this year.

4. DISTRICT 9

This amazing science fiction/political satire saved the summer blockbuster season for me. I love the way this film begins like a documentary about stranded extraterrestrials and the refugee camp they are forced to live in and then shifts its narrative style into an engaging action story full of apartheid symbolism. An amazing debut from director NEILL BLOMKAMP, that reminded me of some of PAUL VERHOEVEN’S best work. Brilliant and fun!

5. AVATAR

If you’re gonna take 12 years off between directing movies, THIS is the way to come back strong! An incredibly entertaining science fiction action blockbuster that pushes the limits of special effects technology and introduces you to a whole new world that virtually explodes in your face with the best 3-D ever conceived. Seeing this in IMAX 3-D was one of the greatest movie going experiences of my life. I am truly shocked by the minority of nerds that have reacted negatively to it. JAMES CAMERON is a BIG EVENT filmmaker and this is his biggest yet. The movie has everything you could want from a CAMERON film and features the BEST CGI EVER! When you’re watching a scene that is comprised entirely of computer generated characters and you’re rooting for them to crush the evil humans, well that’s just great filmmaking. Period. Oh, and I thought the story was perfect, simple and totally engaging too, with a strong cast of actors to support it.

6. MOON

From one of the biggest and most expensive science fiction films ever made to a return to the kind of lo-fi, “thinking man’s” sc-fi movie that we used to get in the seventies. I really loved this film a lot. If you’re into movies like SILENT RUNNING, 2001, DARK STAR, etc., then this one’s for you. A compelling story about a lone technician on a moon base, who is starting to learn some strange things about his contract and the company he works for, as he prepares to return back to Earth. An amazing performance by SAM ROCKWELL, confident direction from DUNCAN JONES (DAVID BOWIE’S son) and a return to practical special effects and model work (WHAT?!) made this a really refreshing film to see.

7. THE BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS

The most unsuspectingly awesome movie of the year! A wildly inventive cop noir about a coke, crack, heroin, booze, sex, gambling and prescription drug addicted New Orleans detective trying to solve a multiple homicide while hallucinating about iguanas and dancing souls. NICOLAS CAGE is phenomenal and WERNER HERZOG directs this film with crazy love for the character and material. Not really a remake of the 1992 ABEL FERRARA film, as much as a wonderfully upbeat retelling of the same kind of story with directly opposite results and a life affirming ending to boot. Pass the lucky crack pipe!

8. THIRST

The ANTI-TWILIGHT. PARK CHANWOOK’S dark and beautiful vampire love story about a Catholic priest who is infected with the blood of an immortal in an attempt to find a cure for a horrible disease, was one of the best horror films of the year. Amazing, considering last year gave us the instantly classic vampire tale LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. The film’s power comes from the main character’s moral agony in his lust for blood and a femme fatale who really makes things messy for him. This all leads up to an emotionally charged ending that was pure poetic brilliance.

9. BRONSON

The true story of Charles Bronson, the most notorious prisoner the British penal system has ever produced. TOM HARDY delivers an electrifying performance and the energy of director NICOLAS REFN’S narrative style reminded me of the exuberance of other hardcore English films like TRAINSPOTTING and A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. One of the best prison movies to come out in a very long time.

10. LOVE EXPOSURE (AI NO MUKIDASHI)

This epic Japanese love story from director SION SONO was released in 2008, but it was never shown theatrically in the U.S. and is still unavailable on North American DVD. I was lucky enough to see a screening of a very good digital dub at the Cinefamily last November and the movie totally blew me and everyone else in the room away.¬†At 4 hours in length, it flies by unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. A bizarre tale of love, that goes through many different stages and tangents, yet manages to juggle everything together brilliantly and builds to a powerful climax. It riffs on christianity, peekaboo pantie porn and doomsday cults while flying back and forth between humor, violence and romance. If you can find it anywhere, see it!

Other films I thought deserved mention are:

11. STAR TREK

The best of the summer popcorn movies by far! J.J. ABRAMS knocked it into warp speed and set his phasers on KILL with this awesome reboot of the original television series! Great fun!

12. DRAG ME TO HELL

SAM RAIMI’S return to horror was one HELL of a good time at the movies!

13. UP

I can always count on PIXAR to make me feel good and I’m constantly amazed at how they continue to make one great film after another. This movie beautifully combines sentimental emotion with edge of your seat thrills and becomes an instant classic.

14. OBSERVE AND REPORT

The darkest and most politically incorrect comedy in recent years from JODY (FOOT FIST WAY, EASTBOUND & DOWN) HILL. This movie takes the alienated loner “ready to explode at any minute” character (like DENIRO in TAXI DRIVER) and makes him the protagonist we root for. I couldn’t believe how funny and totally fucked up this movie was. Favorite line – “Why would I blow up the Chick fil-A? It’s fucking delicious!”

15. THE COLLECTOR

One of the creepiest and least seen horror movies of the year! Atmospheric and scary like a good thriller from the 70’s.

16. ZOMBIELAND

More fun than playing LEFT 4 DEAD on my XBOX 360 and it’s got BILL MURRAY to boot!

17. BLACK DYNAMITE

This blaxploitation movie spoof was pimptacular!

18.CORALINE

I loved this freaky stop motion animated story of a little girl’s adventure in an alternate dimension. Awesome 3-D!

19. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

This very low budget and highly effective horror movie scared the living shit out of me! Much respect!

20. 2012

Disaster porn! If IRWIN ALLEN fucked CECIL B. DeMILLE, this epic movie would be their mutant bastard child!

21. ORPHAN

Nothing beats a good “killer child” movie. This one had a freakish spin that I did not see coming!

22. TAKEN

Schindler’s Pissed!

23. FANTASTIC MR.FOX

A charming story with great “old school” stop motion animation and a great cast directed by WES ANDERSON. Awesomeness!

24. DEAD SNOW

Very fun Norwegian NAZI-ZOMBIE horror comedy.

25. PONYO

It was a great year for animation and this beautiful hand drawn Japanese story about a fish that becomes a little girl was magical.

THE WORST:

I genuinely like most movies and can usually find something decent about anything. I couldn’t find anything decent about these two…

1. HALLOWEEN II

Rob Zombie should get his ass kicked by every single HALLOWEEN fan out there for this HORRIBLE film that manages to make HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION seem sublime in comparison.

2. G.I. JOE

This was so stupid I actually got dizzy.

MOST UNFAIRLY PICKED ON BY THE NERD MASSES:

TRANSFORMERS 2: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

Did you nerds even see the first TRANSFORMERS movie? Why were you so shocked by the balls on the giant robot? You don’t remember Bumble Bee pissing oil on JOHN TURTURRO in the first one? Those jive talking transformers really got you that upset? What the fuck were you expecting from a MICHAEL BAY movie that is based on a fucking line of toys from HASBRO? This is a big, bloated, insane mutant Twinkie of a movie and it gave me all I wanted and expected from it – awesome battles between huge fucking robots! And as far as the “critics” who complain about its lack of realism, I say this, “IT’S ABOUT CARS THAT TURN INTO ROBOTS AND IT’S BASED ON A TOY LINE AND KID’S CARTOON SHOW!” Lighten up nerds.

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR:

THE HURT LOCKER

Wow, did I not get the appeal of this fairly average war movie. Maybe it’s because I grew up with a lot of really great films about the Vietnam war, that offered a lot of criticism towards our involvement in that conflict. Maybe it’s because I’m very opposed to the Iraq war and I feel that any film made about it needs to be a little more responsible in the way it depicts the lives of the soldiers over there. I could almost see the lines of HURT LOCKER fans at the Army recruitment offices after this film came out and the very idea makes me sick. I’m not saying that it didn’t show the chaos, fear and danger of the war. It did, but it also kind of glamorized it all a little too much and that really disturbed me a lot. I’d personally like to see a movie about why the war started and about who’s profiting from it all, but I doubt that movie will ever be made. Come on OLIVER STONE, you know you want to.

That’s all folks! I hope 2010 is an even better year for us movie nerds and stay tuned for more reviews of the the latest releases, as well as the revival house screenings that I continue to attend. Nerd out!