Deadgirl is a dead fuck.

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The theory that a horny guy will stick his dick into just about anything has always been regarded as a well proven fact for quite some time now. A horny teenage guy will fuck a fruity, freshly baked dessert if you believe that American Pie bullshit. In the movie Deadgirl we meet a couple of dudes who really push that theory to the extreme.

Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) and J.T. (Noah Segan) are a pair of high school misfits who don’t get any action at all. Rickie pines for a cheerleader who couldn’t care less about him and dates an evil jock who beats him up for fun. J.T. (who looks and acts like a whiny Christian Slater) takes Rickie to an abandoned mental hospital to get over his woes. After a montage of the two friends vandalizing the joint, the boys adjourn to the basement to see what’s what. There they discover what appears to be the dead body of a young naked girl whose arms and legs are chained to a bed. When they learn that she’s still alive, J.T. sees an excellent opportunity to have his very own sex slave. Every young boys dream come true. Rickie is a romantic and runs off while J.T. does his thing. Sick right? It gets worse. Rickie can’t deal with the guilt of knowing what J.T.’s up to. He wants to call the police and do the right thing and confronts J.T. only to learn that the girl is not really alive. Sure she moves and makes creepy noises but if you break her neck or shoot her three times with a gun, she’s like the energizer bunny. She keeps on going and going. So of course, J.T. wants to keep fucking her and so does another stoner dude who he invites over to the basement. And they do just that while Rickie continues to do nothing.

Now some might consider Deadgirl a powerful statement on the limits of human compassion and the capabilities some have of committing savage brutality. I thought it was a sick, stupid horror movie with no scares at all. The idea of any guy being soooo hard up that he would repeatedly fuck a smelly zombie who’ll bite your cock off if you stick it anywhere near her mouth was a bit hard to swallow, if you’ll excuse the expression. Oh, and if she does bite your dick, like one unlucky fellow, you end up shitting your own intestines out! What?! We never learn why deadgirl is chained up in the hospital basement or why she’s a zombie. I guess it’s not supposed to matter. This movie aspires to be a little like a horror take on HEATHERS and THE RIVER’S EDGE, but fails to compare to those brilliantly dark films. Final thought: Don’t fuck the dead.

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